it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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