You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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