I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
