Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
