My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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