im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
