her facebook's as public as her vagina
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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