Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize