What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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