Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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