I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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