I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
