you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
