So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
