She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Is it because I queefed?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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