Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
