Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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