did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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