lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
