we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
