If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
