just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
