The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
