Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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