She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
