Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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