all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
