Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
