i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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