we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
