I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
