hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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