He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
