You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just had sex on a roof
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
