I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
