i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
When are your genitals available?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
