There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
