Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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