she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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