I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
