Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
