I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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