I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize