letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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