im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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