So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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