God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
