someone get that fucking seahorse.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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