Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
