I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
