Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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