no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Come on in and take your pants off
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