So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
