if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
