Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
