you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Mom said you looked used
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
