i jhust puked up my retainher.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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