do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
